I have a blog, don't I?
I forgot, but now that I actually have exciting things to say, I might as well actually do it.
I was feeling really stuck and cornered in Utah, feeling like I wasn't sure what to do, or even what I could do to get myself out of the rut I had created. After everything with Kellen, I needed time to find myself again, and to get myself back to a stable place, where I wasn't teetering on the edge of a mental breakdown all the time, but I let it go to long. I got complacent in my mediocrity, and I got stuck.
When I decided to fix my life, I was scared. I didn't know where to start, because I had so much I needed to change. but I decided to start with the weight loss. As most people who know me already know, my weight has always been a huge battle for me. I pushed myself, and I almost couldn't believe it when I actually started to see results. I kept at it, and even though I struggled to keep it healthy at some points, I still did it. I really am so proud of myself for being able to not only lose what I had gained in the few years I was out of control, but actually go beyond that and get to be the smallest I've ever been as an adult. I've literally not been this size or weight since i was 14. and while I still have 20 lbs. to go to meet my goal, that's a HELL of a lot better than the 85 it was when I started. It's still weird for me to think I've lost 65 lbs. It was weird, I mean, 85 lbs. seems so daunting. but 20 is no big deal. (or so I keep trying to convince myself ;) haha)
The confidence that losing weight has given me is monumental. Not even physically, just mentally, knowing that I can change myself. That I am never doomed to be something, I truly can fix it. I've always been so scatterbrained, and absent minded, that getting things done, and following through always seemed like the hardest thing in the world to me. I know it's silly, but when you can't seem to remember anything you do, it's hard to do anything. I still have my moments, when I'll come back to the kitchen and realize I made toast 3 hours before, but now I have learned to smile and laugh at myself for it, rather than feel like an idiot for making mistakes.
I'm so hopeful. I honestly haven't felt this hopeful in a really, really long time. I actually feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be, and I'm headed in a really positive direction. I'm doing something new, I'm learning new things, I'm experiencing different places, and I'm working to be the person that I want to be.
I have always sucked at saving money. Money tends to burn a hole in my pocket, and it's been one of the things that has gotten me in the most trouble and has fucked me up in the worst ways. I still have a really hard time with it, but now, I knew I was going to be making a lot of money, and didn't trust myself with it, so I asked for help. My sister Steph is going to be my "accountant" and basically force me to save. I know that I should learn to do it myself, but I think the fact that I can ask for and accept help in places that I struggle is amazing. I think the fact that I have a sister that is willing to do that for me is pretty amazing too though. I couldn't be more grateful for her. :)
I haven't had a cigarette in 6 days. and I hope to never have one again as long as I live! Filthy, nasty habit that.
I've been lazy about working out since I've been here. I mean I've been lazy about working out my whole life, but since I actually was for awhile, I can say that! haha So tonight I decided to go out for a jog, and I swear, it was my body telling me to go. and when I got out to the street and started walking, my body was like "NO! RUN! Run dammit!" It was this amazing feeling, I've never felt before. I have always been lazy, I've never really wanted to exercise. So the fact that I've been wanting to, and that my body really was like "Go, GO! Let's do this!" was incredible. I was pushing myself, going further than I thought I could, and loving every second of it. I ran almost 2 miles, and for me, that's crazy. I used to not be able to run down the block. I think I'll reward myself by laying out for awhile tomorrow. :)
I love it here. Arizona is hot as shit, but it's so pretty. The Aronow's are really cool. They're liberal, artistic, intelligent, funny people. They swear, they like movies, they're active. It really is exactly the environment I need. I'm so happy! I remember when I first read Pam's e-mail, I got this amazing, positive feeling. I was like... yeah. Yes. This is it, this is where I need to be. I was hesitant, and scared, and it was a huge change, but it just felt right. and the more I talked to her, the more I knew how good it would be. I wanted this, and now that I'm here, I know I made the right choice. It's challenging, and it's not always going to be fun, or easy, or good, but that doesn't matter, because I know I can do it, and what's more, I know how much I want to do it. I know that what I'm getting out of this is way more than I ever expected to find, and I want to make sure I do the best that I can at it.
I feel so good. Seriously, I've never been so sure of something. This is the path I need to be on. and it's wonderful!
I'll write more soon!
I Love you all so much, I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!
-Jessie
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
I may not...
Actually write in this blog enough. I have a personal journal that I write in just for myself, so I tend to suck at remembering to write in here and share with whomever what's been going on with me.
The answer to that question is a lackadaisical "not much". I had my birthday, which was loads of fun, and booze, and a hangover that lasted two weeks due to being rudely hijacked by a cold and strung along. I'm still getting over feeling like a complete homebody. I actually should embrace it, because so much of my time is spent on the go, out and doing things with others, and never in my own little hobbit shire. It's more than wonderful to actually have my own space like I do, and I've been here long enough that I've made it my own, and embraced it, and I am truly grateful for it, because too much of my last 6 years has been spent occupying borrowed space. Technically this space is still borrowed, but it's borrowed from my father this time, and I maintain the sentiment that wherever he is, is home.
The opportunity that I've been given at this time in my life, to have the time and space to explore myself and learn as much as I can about myself, and who I want to be is something I cannot measure. I feel like the luckiest person to have the kind of freedom and understanding I've been given and shown to truly find myself and figure out what I am in this life. I know I haven't been very good at it in the past, but I'd like to think I'm doing much better at understanding my limitations, my needs, my heart, and my desires. So much of our lives seems to be spent in an external state of mind, working as hard as we can for the money we need to buy the things we need, and the things we think we need. Or putting energy into something we want to define us, without actually working to change ourselves.
Finding passion has been a challenge for me. I've always (seriously, always) been generally apathetic, disenchanted and frankly a bit of a ne'er-do-well. Not that I'm not a caring, concerned person, just that when it came down to it, I don't have a track record of getting anything done, or taking care of the responsibilities I've had. I always say "I have the best intentions, and the worst execution". I just don't see the need for the anxiety and the stress, and the madness. I see now that I'm a bit older, that I need some kind of fire under my ass to get anywhere, but I also know that I refuse to do it for anything that I don't truly love, and that I am not passionate about, which brings me full circle into saying that I have a hard time finding things that I feel that way about. However, I have definitely found a few things, such as the Human Rights Campaign, that I feel an ironclad devotion to within my heart. I've never been steadfastly sure of something as sure as I am of the things that I've found within the last few years. I've always had an open heart and a live and let live idea about life, but my need to fight and defend the basic rights of mankind that I believe to be absolute and true has never been stronger. I have grown to despise a part of my roots and heritage the more I've researched and learned about it, and all it shows me is how much harder I need to fight for what is right and just, and fair in this world.
I suppose that's all I want to say, for now, but I want to make the effort to update here more frequently so I will see you again soon!
-Jess
The answer to that question is a lackadaisical "not much". I had my birthday, which was loads of fun, and booze, and a hangover that lasted two weeks due to being rudely hijacked by a cold and strung along. I'm still getting over feeling like a complete homebody. I actually should embrace it, because so much of my time is spent on the go, out and doing things with others, and never in my own little hobbit shire. It's more than wonderful to actually have my own space like I do, and I've been here long enough that I've made it my own, and embraced it, and I am truly grateful for it, because too much of my last 6 years has been spent occupying borrowed space. Technically this space is still borrowed, but it's borrowed from my father this time, and I maintain the sentiment that wherever he is, is home.
The opportunity that I've been given at this time in my life, to have the time and space to explore myself and learn as much as I can about myself, and who I want to be is something I cannot measure. I feel like the luckiest person to have the kind of freedom and understanding I've been given and shown to truly find myself and figure out what I am in this life. I know I haven't been very good at it in the past, but I'd like to think I'm doing much better at understanding my limitations, my needs, my heart, and my desires. So much of our lives seems to be spent in an external state of mind, working as hard as we can for the money we need to buy the things we need, and the things we think we need. Or putting energy into something we want to define us, without actually working to change ourselves.
Finding passion has been a challenge for me. I've always (seriously, always) been generally apathetic, disenchanted and frankly a bit of a ne'er-do-well. Not that I'm not a caring, concerned person, just that when it came down to it, I don't have a track record of getting anything done, or taking care of the responsibilities I've had. I always say "I have the best intentions, and the worst execution". I just don't see the need for the anxiety and the stress, and the madness. I see now that I'm a bit older, that I need some kind of fire under my ass to get anywhere, but I also know that I refuse to do it for anything that I don't truly love, and that I am not passionate about, which brings me full circle into saying that I have a hard time finding things that I feel that way about. However, I have definitely found a few things, such as the Human Rights Campaign, that I feel an ironclad devotion to within my heart. I've never been steadfastly sure of something as sure as I am of the things that I've found within the last few years. I've always had an open heart and a live and let live idea about life, but my need to fight and defend the basic rights of mankind that I believe to be absolute and true has never been stronger. I have grown to despise a part of my roots and heritage the more I've researched and learned about it, and all it shows me is how much harder I need to fight for what is right and just, and fair in this world.
I suppose that's all I want to say, for now, but I want to make the effort to update here more frequently so I will see you again soon!
-Jess
Friday, December 10, 2010
Development of Sexuality
I spend a lot of time thinking about the development of sexuality, and find it extremely interesting. We were born licentious creatures and we will die the same, and I will never let anyone tell me that it's not okay.
As far as sexuality, there are so many facets to explore.
-Why has our society taken on the idea of sexuality that we have?
-Where did it come from?
-How has it developed?
-Why has it become what it has?
I think the vilification of sexual nature stems from Victorian England.
In an era of scientific obscurity, and change in social order due to modernization and industrialization; the idea of class became even more important, and upper and middle class girls were bred to be the most desirable version of themselves possible; which at the time, was a silent, demure, insubstantial little doll. They were uneducated, ignorant, and had very little social interactions outside their families. During this time in England, because of war and immigration, there were more women than men, and consequently, more women were ending up unmarried. In an age of laissez-faire capitalism there could be no greater failure for a woman. Unfortunately the problem for these women was not moral but economic. Unmarried women sought work because they had no alternative and few were able to survive at the same social level to which they had been born. Eventually, should moral protocol give way to economic necessity, the alternative to factory work was prostitution, which even the respectable might be forced into. The better off began to embrace premarital chastity even more ardently than their superiors, because they now knew the dangers beneath them. One false step and the family’s reputation was lost, so moral purity had an economic edge because of the market value of virginity.
One thing about the idea of social chastity that I find to extremely fascinating, is the idea of sexuality becoming so important. Creating a dialogue about it, good or bad, brought it to the forefront of people's minds, and gave it weight and consequence. Without this platform, sexuality could have developed within ourselves, and today just be viewed as a non-crucial part of human nature. I don't know for sure that it would have, because it seems to be a driving guide of our actions whether we acknowledge it or not, but it's an interesting thought.
I think it was Russell Brand who first compared this idea to the Jonas Brothers and their "promise rings". By making this element public, they are drawing more attention to their sexuality, under the guise of pureness. By telling us that they are virgins, they are therefore making us think about them having sex, and by us, I mean 14 year old girls. It's reverse psychology, they tell you that they don't have sex, which makes you think about them as sexual beings, but Disney can't get in trouble for it. If they just shut up and didn't say anything about sex at all, nobody would care, and their record sales would be cut in half.
As far as sexuality, there are so many facets to explore.
-Why has our society taken on the idea of sexuality that we have?
-Where did it come from?
-How has it developed?
-Why has it become what it has?
I think the vilification of sexual nature stems from Victorian England.
In an era of scientific obscurity, and change in social order due to modernization and industrialization; the idea of class became even more important, and upper and middle class girls were bred to be the most desirable version of themselves possible; which at the time, was a silent, demure, insubstantial little doll. They were uneducated, ignorant, and had very little social interactions outside their families. During this time in England, because of war and immigration, there were more women than men, and consequently, more women were ending up unmarried. In an age of laissez-faire capitalism there could be no greater failure for a woman. Unfortunately the problem for these women was not moral but economic. Unmarried women sought work because they had no alternative and few were able to survive at the same social level to which they had been born. Eventually, should moral protocol give way to economic necessity, the alternative to factory work was prostitution, which even the respectable might be forced into. The better off began to embrace premarital chastity even more ardently than their superiors, because they now knew the dangers beneath them. One false step and the family’s reputation was lost, so moral purity had an economic edge because of the market value of virginity.
One thing about the idea of social chastity that I find to extremely fascinating, is the idea of sexuality becoming so important. Creating a dialogue about it, good or bad, brought it to the forefront of people's minds, and gave it weight and consequence. Without this platform, sexuality could have developed within ourselves, and today just be viewed as a non-crucial part of human nature. I don't know for sure that it would have, because it seems to be a driving guide of our actions whether we acknowledge it or not, but it's an interesting thought.
I think it was Russell Brand who first compared this idea to the Jonas Brothers and their "promise rings". By making this element public, they are drawing more attention to their sexuality, under the guise of pureness. By telling us that they are virgins, they are therefore making us think about them having sex, and by us, I mean 14 year old girls. It's reverse psychology, they tell you that they don't have sex, which makes you think about them as sexual beings, but Disney can't get in trouble for it. If they just shut up and didn't say anything about sex at all, nobody would care, and their record sales would be cut in half.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Life Changes are a-brewin
Man...
Things are happening. Time just keeps moving forward, even if I'm not prepared for it, and even if I want to stop and catch my breath...
But I'm taking this as a challenge. I want truly, to be the best me I can be, and I am going to make a conscious effort to make sure that I become that. and take responsibility for myself, and know that I am truly the only person who is in control of me and the things I do and my reaction to the things that happen around me or to me. I can't control other people, but I can control how I react to them.
:)
So with that positive mindset I shall set forth on a journey to a better existence. I will work every day to get things done, and not procrastinate. I will find my passions and new and exciting things to exert my creative energy into. I will not spend so much of my valuable time and energy worrying about other people, especially about things that don't matter, like their perceptions or views. I will help people, and show people that I can be counted on and am not a flake. I will tell the people that I care about that I love them, and tell the people who are a negative influence on me to take a hike. I will be aware of what I am putting into my body, and start respecting myself and what I'm capable of. I will learn new things. I will seek out and research anything I am interested in learning about. I will read new books. I will enjoy nature and everything the world around me has to offer. I will watch less TV. I will enjoy alone time. I will enjoy my friends. I will get out of my head and into the world.
I make this promise to myself, and myself only. I will do it for me. because I deserve this of myself.
Things are happening. Time just keeps moving forward, even if I'm not prepared for it, and even if I want to stop and catch my breath...
But I'm taking this as a challenge. I want truly, to be the best me I can be, and I am going to make a conscious effort to make sure that I become that. and take responsibility for myself, and know that I am truly the only person who is in control of me and the things I do and my reaction to the things that happen around me or to me. I can't control other people, but I can control how I react to them.
:)
So with that positive mindset I shall set forth on a journey to a better existence. I will work every day to get things done, and not procrastinate. I will find my passions and new and exciting things to exert my creative energy into. I will not spend so much of my valuable time and energy worrying about other people, especially about things that don't matter, like their perceptions or views. I will help people, and show people that I can be counted on and am not a flake. I will tell the people that I care about that I love them, and tell the people who are a negative influence on me to take a hike. I will be aware of what I am putting into my body, and start respecting myself and what I'm capable of. I will learn new things. I will seek out and research anything I am interested in learning about. I will read new books. I will enjoy nature and everything the world around me has to offer. I will watch less TV. I will enjoy alone time. I will enjoy my friends. I will get out of my head and into the world.
I make this promise to myself, and myself only. I will do it for me. because I deserve this of myself.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Fresh Starts
With all the reflection and meditation I've done since my "incident" you'd think I would have come to find more conclusions about what I need and what I want, but alas, it's a constant journey.
Life is hard. there's no getting around that. The stress of my own downfalls weighing on my shoulders on top of the outside stress of being so involved in the problems of my boyfriend and his family just became to much to handle. I don't want anyone blaming Kellen or his issues on my behavior, just be aware that I do understand the affect they have on me. He is a very kind, caring person, and I hope that My family and the people that love me see that rather than seeing him as the reason I have as many problems as I do. unfortunately the combination of my own demons, problems and his sometimes can be overwhelming. but having the experience I did last week really threw into perspective the fact that I have limits and boundaries that I need to respect and acknowledge. and I have. I know now that I cannot be pushed to the line of hurting myself again.
I want people to know that what I did was not an attempt to die. It was a desperate, stupid, selfish attempt to deal with my emotions, or rather, Not deal with them. It was the appeal of not having to feel, not having to work, not having to think. and I understand that this way of thinking is not healthy, and not right. I've set up appointments with a therapist every two weeks or so, and have given myself the opportunity to wind down, and regroup. I have the ideas and the goals of what I want to do in my life, and what I expect my partner to do in his. Kellen understands that I cannot, and will not continue to support him financially for much longer and that I need him to get a job, get in school, and deal with his disorder and it's symptoms in a healthy and productive way, rather than using it as an excuse not to do anything.
I have a long way to go. I have many more hurdles, and many more experiences and hard decisions ahead of me. I have a lot to do to get my life on the path that I want to be on, including school, getting my credit back at all, becoming financially stable and independent, and so on... I know it's going to be hard for awhile. and I am so grateful for the people I have in my life that I can talk to and depend on. a lot of people in my position, including my mother, felt embarrassed, and ashamed of their problems and their behavior. but I have thought about it and I don't want to be like that. I want to make sure that I never feel as though I have nobody to turn to because I have hidden my secrets away and can't bear the thought of disappointing people by letting them know the truth about my life. that is exactly the kind of behavior that leads to real huge problems like drug abuse, mental breakdowns, and suicide. So I promise now not to do that. If I do come to you please don't view me as being histrionic, or unstable, or silly. I may over-react to things, but once I've sorted them out, I am fairly good at putting things in perspective and dealing with them.
I do love you all so much, and I am sorry for scaring you. You all mean so much to me, and I am so proud to have you as my family, and as my friends. the fact that I have so many people in my life that have accomplished so much and managed to create good lives for themselves, and whom i know work very hard and have worked very hard throughout their lives is truly inspirational to me. I hope that I can someday make you as proud of me as I am of you. Thank you for being who you are and for everything you do for me in my life, even if it's just setting a wonderful example of the kind of person that I hope to be.
Life is hard. there's no getting around that. The stress of my own downfalls weighing on my shoulders on top of the outside stress of being so involved in the problems of my boyfriend and his family just became to much to handle. I don't want anyone blaming Kellen or his issues on my behavior, just be aware that I do understand the affect they have on me. He is a very kind, caring person, and I hope that My family and the people that love me see that rather than seeing him as the reason I have as many problems as I do. unfortunately the combination of my own demons, problems and his sometimes can be overwhelming. but having the experience I did last week really threw into perspective the fact that I have limits and boundaries that I need to respect and acknowledge. and I have. I know now that I cannot be pushed to the line of hurting myself again.
I want people to know that what I did was not an attempt to die. It was a desperate, stupid, selfish attempt to deal with my emotions, or rather, Not deal with them. It was the appeal of not having to feel, not having to work, not having to think. and I understand that this way of thinking is not healthy, and not right. I've set up appointments with a therapist every two weeks or so, and have given myself the opportunity to wind down, and regroup. I have the ideas and the goals of what I want to do in my life, and what I expect my partner to do in his. Kellen understands that I cannot, and will not continue to support him financially for much longer and that I need him to get a job, get in school, and deal with his disorder and it's symptoms in a healthy and productive way, rather than using it as an excuse not to do anything.
I have a long way to go. I have many more hurdles, and many more experiences and hard decisions ahead of me. I have a lot to do to get my life on the path that I want to be on, including school, getting my credit back at all, becoming financially stable and independent, and so on... I know it's going to be hard for awhile. and I am so grateful for the people I have in my life that I can talk to and depend on. a lot of people in my position, including my mother, felt embarrassed, and ashamed of their problems and their behavior. but I have thought about it and I don't want to be like that. I want to make sure that I never feel as though I have nobody to turn to because I have hidden my secrets away and can't bear the thought of disappointing people by letting them know the truth about my life. that is exactly the kind of behavior that leads to real huge problems like drug abuse, mental breakdowns, and suicide. So I promise now not to do that. If I do come to you please don't view me as being histrionic, or unstable, or silly. I may over-react to things, but once I've sorted them out, I am fairly good at putting things in perspective and dealing with them.
I do love you all so much, and I am sorry for scaring you. You all mean so much to me, and I am so proud to have you as my family, and as my friends. the fact that I have so many people in my life that have accomplished so much and managed to create good lives for themselves, and whom i know work very hard and have worked very hard throughout their lives is truly inspirational to me. I hope that I can someday make you as proud of me as I am of you. Thank you for being who you are and for everything you do for me in my life, even if it's just setting a wonderful example of the kind of person that I hope to be.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Monster, Hair and School
Today is day 2 with our new family member, Monster. we've stolen him from Dani and Corey because he didn't care for Lydia, and I can see why. this cat is a LOVE SPONGE! any attention not paid to him is unacceptable. and that's perfect for us, because we have the time to spoil him. I think he will be quite happy once he gets more used to the house. he's happy as a clam hanging out in bed with us, but kind of a pussy (ha) when he roams the basement. we tried to take him outside earlier and he hid under the car. unfortunately the car leaks and so he came back in smelling like a mechanic. so i went and got him some waterless shampoo and a new brush. He hates me a little but he smells better and is very soft. I bought him treats too don't worry! he's such a pig, but it makes easy bribery!
So I decided about 2 weeks ago to cut and dye my hair. it was a quick and not thought through decision and i'm not very happy with the results. I've been trying to fix it since but I don't really know what to do. I know that it's just hair and it will grow back and not look this way forever but I would like to feel more comfortable with it.
So i signed up for 2 classes in august, that count towards my CDA (Child Development Associate) and I'm going to try and sign up for some every couple of months, and hopefully next year i'll be able to start classes at SLCC and do some more regular school! I missed it, and I know that I won't be able to go anywhere without a college degree. a Bachelor's degree is now almost required to make any sort of impression on employers. and to make any sort of money. so i'm excited about that!
well that's all that matters to me this tuesday, june 16th.
-Jessie
So I decided about 2 weeks ago to cut and dye my hair. it was a quick and not thought through decision and i'm not very happy with the results. I've been trying to fix it since but I don't really know what to do. I know that it's just hair and it will grow back and not look this way forever but I would like to feel more comfortable with it.
So i signed up for 2 classes in august, that count towards my CDA (Child Development Associate) and I'm going to try and sign up for some every couple of months, and hopefully next year i'll be able to start classes at SLCC and do some more regular school! I missed it, and I know that I won't be able to go anywhere without a college degree. a Bachelor's degree is now almost required to make any sort of impression on employers. and to make any sort of money. so i'm excited about that!
well that's all that matters to me this tuesday, june 16th.
-Jessie
Saturday, June 6, 2009
lazy saturday
does anyone else have a feeling of being fundamentally flawed? like nothing you ever do is right? even though you try really hard to be a good person, everything you touch ends up messed up anyway? I've been feeling like that a lot recently. I don't know what it is. but the stress and anxiety level in my life have caused me to do some pretty irrational things and I'm beginning to remind myself of my mother more and more. and I know I'm not her, and i have the ability to look and her mistakes and not repeat them, but sometimes it feels like I can't control it. I find myself saying things to Kellen that are eerily familiar to the kind of shit she used to say to my dad. or feeling better about life when I don't have to think about it. and i can fade away into whatever kind of high I've found for myself that day. alcohol, drugs, adrenaline, shopping, sex... some way to try and escape real life for some amount of time. having the best part of my day be when I can finally fall asleep and not live my life anymore. feeling like I don't have anybody that really understands. I have really good friends and a really good family, but I feel like I just sound crazy when I try to tell them how I feel. and like they think I'm making it up, or that i can control it. that they're sick of the excuses i give. which i can't say I blame them for. I know how frustrating it was dealing with someone who didn't have the most solid grasp on what was real and what wasn't. i'm not saying I've lost it like she did. but I worry that i'm on that same path. and all I hear is "Jess, you're not your mother" and I know that. I'm not her. but a lot of people are like their parents, it just so happens that my mom isn't someone you want to be like, most of the time. I don't know. I just need time. I'll figure it out.
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