Fresh Starts

With all the reflection and meditation I've done since my "incident" you'd think I would have come to find more conclusions about what I need and what I want, but alas, it's a constant journey.

Life is hard. there's no getting around that. The stress of my own downfalls weighing on my shoulders on top of the outside stress of being so involved in the problems of my boyfriend and his family just became to much to handle. I don't want anyone blaming Kellen or his issues on my behavior, just be aware that I do understand the affect they have on me. He is a very kind, caring person, and I hope that My family and the people that love me see that rather than seeing him as the reason I have as many problems as I do. unfortunately the combination of my own demons, problems and his sometimes can be overwhelming. but having the experience I did last week really threw into perspective the fact that I have limits and boundaries that I need to respect and acknowledge. and I have. I know now that I cannot be pushed to the line of hurting myself again.

I want people to know that what I did was not an attempt to die. It was a desperate, stupid, selfish attempt to deal with my emotions, or rather, Not deal with them. It was the appeal of not having to feel, not having to work, not having to think. and I understand that this way of thinking is not healthy, and not right. I've set up appointments with a therapist every two weeks or so, and have given myself the opportunity to wind down, and regroup. I have the ideas and the goals of what I want to do in my life, and what I expect my partner to do in his. Kellen understands that I cannot, and will not continue to support him financially for much longer and that I need him to get a job, get in school, and deal with his disorder and it's symptoms in a healthy and productive way, rather than using it as an excuse not to do anything.

I have a long way to go. I have many more hurdles, and many more experiences and hard decisions ahead of me. I have a lot to do to get my life on the path that I want to be on, including school, getting my credit back at all, becoming financially stable and independent, and so on... I know it's going to be hard for awhile. and I am so grateful for the people I have in my life that I can talk to and depend on. a lot of people in my position, including my mother, felt embarrassed, and ashamed of their problems and their behavior. but I have thought about it and I don't want to be like that. I want to make sure that I never feel as though I have nobody to turn to because I have hidden my secrets away and can't bear the thought of disappointing people by letting them know the truth about my life. that is exactly the kind of behavior that leads to real huge problems like drug abuse, mental breakdowns, and suicide. So I promise now not to do that. If I do come to you please don't view me as being histrionic, or unstable, or silly. I may over-react to things, but once I've sorted them out, I am fairly good at putting things in perspective and dealing with them.

I do love you all so much, and I am sorry for scaring you. You all mean so much to me, and I am so proud to have you as my family, and as my friends. the fact that I have so many people in my life that have accomplished so much and managed to create good lives for themselves, and whom i know work very hard and have worked very hard throughout their lives is truly inspirational to me. I hope that I can someday make you as proud of me as I am of you. Thank you for being who you are and for everything you do for me in my life, even if it's just setting a wonderful example of the kind of person that I hope to be.