Fresh Starts

With all the reflection and meditation I've done since my "incident" you'd think I would have come to find more conclusions about what I need and what I want, but alas, it's a constant journey.

Life is hard. there's no getting around that. The stress of my own downfalls weighing on my shoulders on top of the outside stress of being so involved in the problems of my boyfriend and his family just became to much to handle. I don't want anyone blaming Kellen or his issues on my behavior, just be aware that I do understand the affect they have on me. He is a very kind, caring person, and I hope that My family and the people that love me see that rather than seeing him as the reason I have as many problems as I do. unfortunately the combination of my own demons, problems and his sometimes can be overwhelming. but having the experience I did last week really threw into perspective the fact that I have limits and boundaries that I need to respect and acknowledge. and I have. I know now that I cannot be pushed to the line of hurting myself again.

I want people to know that what I did was not an attempt to die. It was a desperate, stupid, selfish attempt to deal with my emotions, or rather, Not deal with them. It was the appeal of not having to feel, not having to work, not having to think. and I understand that this way of thinking is not healthy, and not right. I've set up appointments with a therapist every two weeks or so, and have given myself the opportunity to wind down, and regroup. I have the ideas and the goals of what I want to do in my life, and what I expect my partner to do in his. Kellen understands that I cannot, and will not continue to support him financially for much longer and that I need him to get a job, get in school, and deal with his disorder and it's symptoms in a healthy and productive way, rather than using it as an excuse not to do anything.

I have a long way to go. I have many more hurdles, and many more experiences and hard decisions ahead of me. I have a lot to do to get my life on the path that I want to be on, including school, getting my credit back at all, becoming financially stable and independent, and so on... I know it's going to be hard for awhile. and I am so grateful for the people I have in my life that I can talk to and depend on. a lot of people in my position, including my mother, felt embarrassed, and ashamed of their problems and their behavior. but I have thought about it and I don't want to be like that. I want to make sure that I never feel as though I have nobody to turn to because I have hidden my secrets away and can't bear the thought of disappointing people by letting them know the truth about my life. that is exactly the kind of behavior that leads to real huge problems like drug abuse, mental breakdowns, and suicide. So I promise now not to do that. If I do come to you please don't view me as being histrionic, or unstable, or silly. I may over-react to things, but once I've sorted them out, I am fairly good at putting things in perspective and dealing with them.

I do love you all so much, and I am sorry for scaring you. You all mean so much to me, and I am so proud to have you as my family, and as my friends. the fact that I have so many people in my life that have accomplished so much and managed to create good lives for themselves, and whom i know work very hard and have worked very hard throughout their lives is truly inspirational to me. I hope that I can someday make you as proud of me as I am of you. Thank you for being who you are and for everything you do for me in my life, even if it's just setting a wonderful example of the kind of person that I hope to be.

Monster, Hair and School

Today is day 2 with our new family member, Monster. we've stolen him from Dani and Corey because he didn't care for Lydia, and I can see why. this cat is a LOVE SPONGE! any attention not paid to him is unacceptable. and that's perfect for us, because we have the time to spoil him. I think he will be quite happy once he gets more used to the house. he's happy as a clam hanging out in bed with us, but kind of a pussy (ha) when he roams the basement. we tried to take him outside earlier and he hid under the car. unfortunately the car leaks and so he came back in smelling like a mechanic. so i went and got him some waterless shampoo and a new brush. He hates me a little but he smells better and is very soft. I bought him treats too don't worry! he's such a pig, but it makes easy bribery!

So I decided about 2 weeks ago to cut and dye my hair. it was a quick and not thought through decision and i'm not very happy with the results. I've been trying to fix it since but I don't really know what to do. I know that it's just hair and it will grow back and not look this way forever but I would like to feel more comfortable with it.

So i signed up for 2 classes in august, that count towards my CDA (Child Development Associate) and I'm going to try and sign up for some every couple of months, and hopefully next year i'll be able to start classes at SLCC and do some more regular school! I missed it, and I know that I won't be able to go anywhere without a college degree. a Bachelor's degree is now almost required to make any sort of impression on employers. and to make any sort of money. so i'm excited about that!

well that's all that matters to me this tuesday, june 16th.

-Jessie

lazy saturday

does anyone else have a feeling of being fundamentally flawed? like nothing you ever do is right? even though you try really hard to be a good person, everything you touch ends up messed up anyway? I've been feeling like that a lot recently. I don't know what it is. but the stress and anxiety level in my life have caused me to do some pretty irrational things and I'm beginning to remind myself of my mother more and more. and I know I'm not her, and i have the ability to look and her mistakes and not repeat them, but sometimes it feels like I can't control it. I find myself saying things to Kellen that are eerily familiar to the kind of shit she used to say to my dad. or feeling better about life when I don't have to think about it. and i can fade away into whatever kind of high I've found for myself that day. alcohol, drugs, adrenaline, shopping, sex... some way to try and escape real life for some amount of time. having the best part of my day be when I can finally fall asleep and not live my life anymore. feeling like I don't have anybody that really understands. I have really good friends and a really good family, but I feel like I just sound crazy when I try to tell them how I feel. and like they think I'm making it up, or that i can control it. that they're sick of the excuses i give. which i can't say I blame them for. I know how frustrating it was dealing with someone who didn't have the most solid grasp on what was real and what wasn't. i'm not saying I've lost it like she did. but I worry that i'm on that same path. and all I hear is "Jess, you're not your mother" and I know that. I'm not her. but a lot of people are like their parents, it just so happens that my mom isn't someone you want to be like, most of the time. I don't know. I just need time. I'll figure it out.

Tattoos, new sheets, and surgerys

so we went to my favorite store ROSS last night, and I decided we needed new sheets, 500 thread count egyptian cotton, cause I'm a snob like that. but they're very soft and comfy, and even Kellen says it's like sleeping at a hotel. :) now I just need to find a nice duvet cover for my blanket.

So the Surgery news is this: Kellen has finally gotten his brain surgery scheduled! The surgery is scheduled for July 9th, and he should be in the hospital for about 4 days. for those of you who don't know, Kellen was diagnosed with Chiari Malformation in January or February this year and we've been trying to see doctors to figure out our options. ultimately surgery seemed like the best option for his symptoms and we've exhausted other treatment options.

Chiari malformation is a condition in which brain tissue protrudes into your spinal canal. It occurs when part of your skull is abnormally small or misshapen, pressing on your brain and forcing it downward. Chiari malformation is uncommon, but improved imaging tests have led to more frequent diagnoses.

The adult form, called Chiari malformation type I, develops as the skull and brain are growing. As a result, signs and symptoms may not occur until late childhood or adulthood.

Treatment of Chiari malformation depends on the form, severity and associated symptoms. Regular monitoring, medications and surgery are treatment options.

So wish us luck in this endeavor! we're both scared but hoping for the best and being optimistic.


I've been thinking recently about getting a half sleeve tattoo. I could not come to a decision on what I wanted it to be OF though, but I've got a few solid Ideas. one of my ideas is the center main piece being one of the rosebushes from alice in wonderland, from the queen of hearts garden, with half the roses white, half red and one or two with red paint dripping from them

something like that.

any ideas? suggestions? comments?
I'm open to hear anything!

hope to see you all soon!