lazy saturday

does anyone else have a feeling of being fundamentally flawed? like nothing you ever do is right? even though you try really hard to be a good person, everything you touch ends up messed up anyway? I've been feeling like that a lot recently. I don't know what it is. but the stress and anxiety level in my life have caused me to do some pretty irrational things and I'm beginning to remind myself of my mother more and more. and I know I'm not her, and i have the ability to look and her mistakes and not repeat them, but sometimes it feels like I can't control it. I find myself saying things to Kellen that are eerily familiar to the kind of shit she used to say to my dad. or feeling better about life when I don't have to think about it. and i can fade away into whatever kind of high I've found for myself that day. alcohol, drugs, adrenaline, shopping, sex... some way to try and escape real life for some amount of time. having the best part of my day be when I can finally fall asleep and not live my life anymore. feeling like I don't have anybody that really understands. I have really good friends and a really good family, but I feel like I just sound crazy when I try to tell them how I feel. and like they think I'm making it up, or that i can control it. that they're sick of the excuses i give. which i can't say I blame them for. I know how frustrating it was dealing with someone who didn't have the most solid grasp on what was real and what wasn't. i'm not saying I've lost it like she did. but I worry that i'm on that same path. and all I hear is "Jess, you're not your mother" and I know that. I'm not her. but a lot of people are like their parents, it just so happens that my mom isn't someone you want to be like, most of the time. I don't know. I just need time. I'll figure it out.