I have a blog, don't I?
I forgot, but now that I actually have exciting things to say, I might as well actually do it.
I was feeling really stuck and cornered in Utah, feeling like I wasn't sure what to do, or even what I could do to get myself out of the rut I had created. After everything with Kellen, I needed time to find myself again, and to get myself back to a stable place, where I wasn't teetering on the edge of a mental breakdown all the time, but I let it go to long. I got complacent in my mediocrity, and I got stuck.
When I decided to fix my life, I was scared. I didn't know where to start, because I had so much I needed to change. but I decided to start with the weight loss. As most people who know me already know, my weight has always been a huge battle for me. I pushed myself, and I almost couldn't believe it when I actually started to see results. I kept at it, and even though I struggled to keep it healthy at some points, I still did it. I really am so proud of myself for being able to not only lose what I had gained in the few years I was out of control, but actually go beyond that and get to be the smallest I've ever been as an adult. I've literally not been this size or weight since i was 14. and while I still have 20 lbs. to go to meet my goal, that's a HELL of a lot better than the 85 it was when I started. It's still weird for me to think I've lost 65 lbs. It was weird, I mean, 85 lbs. seems so daunting. but 20 is no big deal. (or so I keep trying to convince myself ;) haha)
The confidence that losing weight has given me is monumental. Not even physically, just mentally, knowing that I can change myself. That I am never doomed to be something, I truly can fix it. I've always been so scatterbrained, and absent minded, that getting things done, and following through always seemed like the hardest thing in the world to me. I know it's silly, but when you can't seem to remember anything you do, it's hard to do anything. I still have my moments, when I'll come back to the kitchen and realize I made toast 3 hours before, but now I have learned to smile and laugh at myself for it, rather than feel like an idiot for making mistakes.
I'm so hopeful. I honestly haven't felt this hopeful in a really, really long time. I actually feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be, and I'm headed in a really positive direction. I'm doing something new, I'm learning new things, I'm experiencing different places, and I'm working to be the person that I want to be.
I have always sucked at saving money. Money tends to burn a hole in my pocket, and it's been one of the things that has gotten me in the most trouble and has fucked me up in the worst ways. I still have a really hard time with it, but now, I knew I was going to be making a lot of money, and didn't trust myself with it, so I asked for help. My sister Steph is going to be my "accountant" and basically force me to save. I know that I should learn to do it myself, but I think the fact that I can ask for and accept help in places that I struggle is amazing. I think the fact that I have a sister that is willing to do that for me is pretty amazing too though. I couldn't be more grateful for her. :)
I haven't had a cigarette in 6 days. and I hope to never have one again as long as I live! Filthy, nasty habit that.
I've been lazy about working out since I've been here. I mean I've been lazy about working out my whole life, but since I actually was for awhile, I can say that! haha So tonight I decided to go out for a jog, and I swear, it was my body telling me to go. and when I got out to the street and started walking, my body was like "NO! RUN! Run dammit!" It was this amazing feeling, I've never felt before. I have always been lazy, I've never really wanted to exercise. So the fact that I've been wanting to, and that my body really was like "Go, GO! Let's do this!" was incredible. I was pushing myself, going further than I thought I could, and loving every second of it. I ran almost 2 miles, and for me, that's crazy. I used to not be able to run down the block. I think I'll reward myself by laying out for awhile tomorrow. :)
I love it here. Arizona is hot as shit, but it's so pretty. The Aronow's are really cool. They're liberal, artistic, intelligent, funny people. They swear, they like movies, they're active. It really is exactly the environment I need. I'm so happy! I remember when I first read Pam's e-mail, I got this amazing, positive feeling. I was like... yeah. Yes. This is it, this is where I need to be. I was hesitant, and scared, and it was a huge change, but it just felt right. and the more I talked to her, the more I knew how good it would be. I wanted this, and now that I'm here, I know I made the right choice. It's challenging, and it's not always going to be fun, or easy, or good, but that doesn't matter, because I know I can do it, and what's more, I know how much I want to do it. I know that what I'm getting out of this is way more than I ever expected to find, and I want to make sure I do the best that I can at it.
I feel so good. Seriously, I've never been so sure of something. This is the path I need to be on. and it's wonderful!
I'll write more soon!
I Love you all so much, I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!
-Jessie
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
I may not...
Actually write in this blog enough. I have a personal journal that I write in just for myself, so I tend to suck at remembering to write in here and share with whomever what's been going on with me.
The answer to that question is a lackadaisical "not much". I had my birthday, which was loads of fun, and booze, and a hangover that lasted two weeks due to being rudely hijacked by a cold and strung along. I'm still getting over feeling like a complete homebody. I actually should embrace it, because so much of my time is spent on the go, out and doing things with others, and never in my own little hobbit shire. It's more than wonderful to actually have my own space like I do, and I've been here long enough that I've made it my own, and embraced it, and I am truly grateful for it, because too much of my last 6 years has been spent occupying borrowed space. Technically this space is still borrowed, but it's borrowed from my father this time, and I maintain the sentiment that wherever he is, is home.
The opportunity that I've been given at this time in my life, to have the time and space to explore myself and learn as much as I can about myself, and who I want to be is something I cannot measure. I feel like the luckiest person to have the kind of freedom and understanding I've been given and shown to truly find myself and figure out what I am in this life. I know I haven't been very good at it in the past, but I'd like to think I'm doing much better at understanding my limitations, my needs, my heart, and my desires. So much of our lives seems to be spent in an external state of mind, working as hard as we can for the money we need to buy the things we need, and the things we think we need. Or putting energy into something we want to define us, without actually working to change ourselves.
Finding passion has been a challenge for me. I've always (seriously, always) been generally apathetic, disenchanted and frankly a bit of a ne'er-do-well. Not that I'm not a caring, concerned person, just that when it came down to it, I don't have a track record of getting anything done, or taking care of the responsibilities I've had. I always say "I have the best intentions, and the worst execution". I just don't see the need for the anxiety and the stress, and the madness. I see now that I'm a bit older, that I need some kind of fire under my ass to get anywhere, but I also know that I refuse to do it for anything that I don't truly love, and that I am not passionate about, which brings me full circle into saying that I have a hard time finding things that I feel that way about. However, I have definitely found a few things, such as the Human Rights Campaign, that I feel an ironclad devotion to within my heart. I've never been steadfastly sure of something as sure as I am of the things that I've found within the last few years. I've always had an open heart and a live and let live idea about life, but my need to fight and defend the basic rights of mankind that I believe to be absolute and true has never been stronger. I have grown to despise a part of my roots and heritage the more I've researched and learned about it, and all it shows me is how much harder I need to fight for what is right and just, and fair in this world.
I suppose that's all I want to say, for now, but I want to make the effort to update here more frequently so I will see you again soon!
-Jess
The answer to that question is a lackadaisical "not much". I had my birthday, which was loads of fun, and booze, and a hangover that lasted two weeks due to being rudely hijacked by a cold and strung along. I'm still getting over feeling like a complete homebody. I actually should embrace it, because so much of my time is spent on the go, out and doing things with others, and never in my own little hobbit shire. It's more than wonderful to actually have my own space like I do, and I've been here long enough that I've made it my own, and embraced it, and I am truly grateful for it, because too much of my last 6 years has been spent occupying borrowed space. Technically this space is still borrowed, but it's borrowed from my father this time, and I maintain the sentiment that wherever he is, is home.
The opportunity that I've been given at this time in my life, to have the time and space to explore myself and learn as much as I can about myself, and who I want to be is something I cannot measure. I feel like the luckiest person to have the kind of freedom and understanding I've been given and shown to truly find myself and figure out what I am in this life. I know I haven't been very good at it in the past, but I'd like to think I'm doing much better at understanding my limitations, my needs, my heart, and my desires. So much of our lives seems to be spent in an external state of mind, working as hard as we can for the money we need to buy the things we need, and the things we think we need. Or putting energy into something we want to define us, without actually working to change ourselves.
Finding passion has been a challenge for me. I've always (seriously, always) been generally apathetic, disenchanted and frankly a bit of a ne'er-do-well. Not that I'm not a caring, concerned person, just that when it came down to it, I don't have a track record of getting anything done, or taking care of the responsibilities I've had. I always say "I have the best intentions, and the worst execution". I just don't see the need for the anxiety and the stress, and the madness. I see now that I'm a bit older, that I need some kind of fire under my ass to get anywhere, but I also know that I refuse to do it for anything that I don't truly love, and that I am not passionate about, which brings me full circle into saying that I have a hard time finding things that I feel that way about. However, I have definitely found a few things, such as the Human Rights Campaign, that I feel an ironclad devotion to within my heart. I've never been steadfastly sure of something as sure as I am of the things that I've found within the last few years. I've always had an open heart and a live and let live idea about life, but my need to fight and defend the basic rights of mankind that I believe to be absolute and true has never been stronger. I have grown to despise a part of my roots and heritage the more I've researched and learned about it, and all it shows me is how much harder I need to fight for what is right and just, and fair in this world.
I suppose that's all I want to say, for now, but I want to make the effort to update here more frequently so I will see you again soon!
-Jess
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