Monster, Hair and School

Today is day 2 with our new family member, Monster. we've stolen him from Dani and Corey because he didn't care for Lydia, and I can see why. this cat is a LOVE SPONGE! any attention not paid to him is unacceptable. and that's perfect for us, because we have the time to spoil him. I think he will be quite happy once he gets more used to the house. he's happy as a clam hanging out in bed with us, but kind of a pussy (ha) when he roams the basement. we tried to take him outside earlier and he hid under the car. unfortunately the car leaks and so he came back in smelling like a mechanic. so i went and got him some waterless shampoo and a new brush. He hates me a little but he smells better and is very soft. I bought him treats too don't worry! he's such a pig, but it makes easy bribery!

So I decided about 2 weeks ago to cut and dye my hair. it was a quick and not thought through decision and i'm not very happy with the results. I've been trying to fix it since but I don't really know what to do. I know that it's just hair and it will grow back and not look this way forever but I would like to feel more comfortable with it.

So i signed up for 2 classes in august, that count towards my CDA (Child Development Associate) and I'm going to try and sign up for some every couple of months, and hopefully next year i'll be able to start classes at SLCC and do some more regular school! I missed it, and I know that I won't be able to go anywhere without a college degree. a Bachelor's degree is now almost required to make any sort of impression on employers. and to make any sort of money. so i'm excited about that!

well that's all that matters to me this tuesday, june 16th.

-Jessie

lazy saturday

does anyone else have a feeling of being fundamentally flawed? like nothing you ever do is right? even though you try really hard to be a good person, everything you touch ends up messed up anyway? I've been feeling like that a lot recently. I don't know what it is. but the stress and anxiety level in my life have caused me to do some pretty irrational things and I'm beginning to remind myself of my mother more and more. and I know I'm not her, and i have the ability to look and her mistakes and not repeat them, but sometimes it feels like I can't control it. I find myself saying things to Kellen that are eerily familiar to the kind of shit she used to say to my dad. or feeling better about life when I don't have to think about it. and i can fade away into whatever kind of high I've found for myself that day. alcohol, drugs, adrenaline, shopping, sex... some way to try and escape real life for some amount of time. having the best part of my day be when I can finally fall asleep and not live my life anymore. feeling like I don't have anybody that really understands. I have really good friends and a really good family, but I feel like I just sound crazy when I try to tell them how I feel. and like they think I'm making it up, or that i can control it. that they're sick of the excuses i give. which i can't say I blame them for. I know how frustrating it was dealing with someone who didn't have the most solid grasp on what was real and what wasn't. i'm not saying I've lost it like she did. but I worry that i'm on that same path. and all I hear is "Jess, you're not your mother" and I know that. I'm not her. but a lot of people are like their parents, it just so happens that my mom isn't someone you want to be like, most of the time. I don't know. I just need time. I'll figure it out.